Tuesday, May 19, 2009

define LOVE.

"Sometimes, the only way to protect the one you love is to stay away…"
-Fernando Sucre, Prison Break Season 4

These past few days, I believe I’ve learned the science of forgetting someone you so much love, for a reason you’re not entirely sure of. This science is not only about the mind but most especially of the heart—I’m talking about what is inside it, not the one you can change by undergoing a transplant. I realized that there really is a misunderstanding between these two intangible nouns… the truth that the mind cannot control the heart, nor the heart cannot instruct the mind. These two cannot work by themselves. And the knowledge of this truth made me write this.

When everything started to go wrong between the two of us, it was my heart that reacted fast, screaming you hate him and you won’t let him hurt you again because I am dying… I can’t take anymore of it. End it. But my mind was the one who made it possible for me to think about what he really did, why he could have done it, where did I go wrong, and do I hate him, really. At that time, I believe it was my mind which was more grousing to end everything that we have because it was preoccupied with all of what I’ve just learned about his secrets and my friends’ affirmation that I should break up with him, actually not only break up, but put an end to it. I also thought about our memories, what we’ve shared and learned from each other, how we’ve come this far, but there really is something wrong which I can’t point out. Maybe it’s him or maybe it’s just me. At that point, I knew it was him—because my mind told me so.

But, I admit, it was never easy to do that, putting an end to something I almost given up everything I have for, because, hey, I loved that guy and that guy loved me. I felt that. I feel it. And that’s when my heart started to work—and made every thought have a good and bad side. When my heart started talking, that’s when I felt more like listening to it and then playing deaf to my mind. My heart was crying, because it feels what I will feel if I have to let go of him completely. It feels what the mind doesn’t know. And that made me balance the almost-neglected-side of the guy because I was just thinking about my own good. And that’s when everything made sense.

A lot have happened during that short process of thinking and feeling, weighing things over and over again, thinking what can make me win, and feeling what can make me happy. But hell, yeah, I was obsessed on feeling good just because I know he hurt me—he made a huge, stupid, mistake while I am a good and perfect girlfriend all along.
Everyone was on my side, everyone said he’s wrong and I was right. Everyone said let go. That was what I did; just because I let my mind do what it thinks is right. I forgot I also have a heart.

I realized, just now that it is not about winning or losing to be alive. All it takes is just the fulfillment that whatever your choice was, it is because you did not neglect anything, or anyone in the decision-making process. That fairness and only fairness could have made us both happy. If I only took time to talk to him first and hear his side, without the threats, the tears, and the bad words, I think this sad night will never come.

That’s why I blamed my heart. I wish I had talked to him without my emotions, because I got mad immediately when I saw him, and then he stopped breathing. He was shocked with what I was saying, with what I was filling him with. How can a normal person think of reasons to speak if he is already bombarded with the words that he could have said to defend himself?

I also placed the blame to my mind. If not for my very reactive intuitions, that I don’t want to lose this fight—that first mindset, that this one’s a fight—made everything seem to have no happy ending. He cheated first, and I cheated next. He fooled me while I wasn’t looking, but I stole his right to talk as a man. I threatened him because I understood I was superior. I embarrassed him. I treated him as a shit. How can possibly any conversation end with an applause when both speakers are telling lies? Yes, we just talked shit out of each other’s mouths. The conversation was nonsense. First, it was one-way. Second, we both already had our planned mindsets even before we saw each other. We aimed for the easy way out. We were dominated by our egos. One wants to win over the other. We let our minds do all the work. We forgot our hearts in the process.
And that’s why everything—until now—isn’t right.

I don’t want to think about all these things now, because I want to be over it. But hey, I just gave my heart a chance to speak up again, take its stand.
I’ve learned a hell of things that I could have never learn if were still together.

Love isn’t about just kissing and hugging, having fun and then lying… love is everything that isn’t material. It is intangible. Because it is the mind and the heart, not the mind or the heart, that can make it possible. Love is there when all you’ve got is them. And love is the result of the perfect harmony between the two… what could possibly go wrong?

I want him, said my mind. I miss him, said my heart. But love says I love him. And it’s a very different story. It’s not just a matter of synonymy; it’s a hell of an explanation and experience. And the good thing is, you can’t explain it with your mind alone, nor can you experience it only with your heart. You have to be right there--at the threshold of both--to be there. It will be hard if you think about it, but try to feel it at the same time… and you’ll understand what I’ve just been in tonight.

I came to a point when I thought I successfully forget his face. That was the first step in my science. But I realized it was just the mind that forgets, because my heart keeps bringing him back… and as long as I have both, I will always love that big, young man. :)

1:12 am
December 3, 2008

No comments:

Post a Comment

May gusto ka bang sabihin?